I just woke up to people screaming "funnel" in my kitchen....
Happy St. Patrick's Day.
She was holding a turtle doing a beer bong out of a flower watering can.
Of course I lose my iPhone but still manage to hold on to the ruler for my dirty teacher costume
Will you just get over yourself and come over here and give me that dick...then you can go back home and continue to cry over us breaking up. Thank you
I can't leave your house without my underwear spending the night.
I literally have a bandage on my dick that's how bad she is at handjobs
She's riding a bike down the street and drinking brown liquor. A pt cruiser is honking at her and she's like I HEAR YOU!!
We couldve played the bring a random boy to lunch game but i made him go home
I've slept in a different bed every day this week. Operation Ho Ho Ho is a success!
I'm buying groceries with adderoll. I hope I'm never this broke again.
Just asked my roommate if she needs one of my old pill bottles to hold her weed during our move tomorrow. What has grad school done to me?
future reference: when you get a text that says "WARNING: EXPLICIT PHOTOS BEING DELIVERED. VIEWERS DISCRETION IS ADVISED." you always open the attached picture.
I just realized I wasn't at the party anymore. I was just sitting there with a vacuum.
no, it was more of an i-don't-think-he-even-knows-what-a-clitoris-is, bad.
When you're as high as I am right now brushing your teeth is both magical and fucking terrifying
Randomize
