Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
Omg. The strippers are having a batman vs spiderman showdown. Both on stage. Genius.
Just saw a picture of your new tub, cant wait to pee in it
If Bret Micheals dies..will VH1 have to go off the air?
Protip: If you slur the word 'tipsy', you've progressed beyond tipsy.
I'm laying outside on my patio attempting to get sun with a puke bucket next to me... This is dedication to the tan my friend
he was wearing ninja turtle pajamas and he STILL got laid. who the fuck is this guy?!
He's def the type to chop us into bits whilst screaming "NAPA BITCH". AKA my type
That's the only way to get approved without a guarantor.
WHAT DOES THAT MEAN WHAT FUCKING LANGUAGE ARE YOU SPEAKING
That's why my New Years resolution was no more blondes. They're all bad news
Well I mean he still had sex with me after I told him that I play fetch with the kids I take care of, so I'm not really looking too far ahead with him...
Serious question, on a scale of go for it to what the fuck are you thinking, what's me going to a monk or any religious official and saying "baptize me daddy" in a serious voice?
ps. i have two very important words to sum up my night
which are?
library sex.
Autocorrect changes "sex" to "sec". I have been so long without it my phone thinks I made a mistake.
Why did I wake up with a skeleton in my bed? Is it from the lab?
Oh crap, that's where it ended up. Yeah, don't ask.
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