accomplished twins. life is a go
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
I woke up on a futon in some strangers house. They were eating pizza and told me everything was going to be fine.
my mom and grandma just had a splits competition. slut runs in the family
I'm in the Wal Mart stall where we found out you weren't pregnant. This is where I'm going to propose to you. I feel like that would be the most romantic
I vaguely remember having a cowboy explain his belt buckle to me in the bathroom hallway
You threw a shot glass at the bartender and still managed to convince him to let us drink more. You are my hero.
Bring a bathing suit and your good liver.
My good liver is still at the dry cleaners. Will my backup liver suffice?
Maybe
Looks like I've become the Walter White of my PhD cohort.
went out last night. woke up with a lisp.
Of all of my friend's husbands, I like when yours hits on me best
Awe that means so much to us
I'm trying to find a place to hide weed in my mother in law's house...
Married life problems?
So I had this brilliant idea that I would sleep in all sorts of sweatpants and sweatshirts... Apparently I thought I could "sweat" off the drunk in my sleep and that it would make me feel better when I woke up
I don't see why I have to pay for it.
your head went through the window, you're pretty much obligated to pay for it.
just used my $120 dollar stats book for the first time to kill an ant... good thing i stole it
Randomize
