Hello, balls-out mistake. It's been a while.
This morning my doorman told me it was an accomplishment for me to be standing and conscious after last night.
he told me he had a problem with me going both ways. like what the fuck. what guy says that to a girl? goodbye planned threesomes...
You know you hit rock bottom when you make out with a guy named after a cereal.
Please don't be alarmed by the blood on my arms and phone in the morning. It's not mine.
She liked to slap me in the face while she was on top. All I can say is that big boobs can excuse a lot.
I am going to borrow your water/shock proof video camera for St. Pattys day so that if wake up next to the highway again I know why.
Ok but I hold the right to any footage of you getting slapped, puking, anything with body shots, and allowed to make a montage of it to put on youtube.
I remember nothing except the fact it happened and I ate doritos and we highfived a lot
Also, as my manager i'm going to put you in charge of making sure i don't drown.
Is there a special protocol when the stripper has a Boba Fett tattoo?
you made a mix containing mostly whiskey. then you took a sip, gagged and yelled "perfect!"
Night one million where I have madri gra beads around my neck and no justifiable reason for where they came from
Adulthood is weird i just cleared a check larger than my gross income from 2011 but i also just did coke during my lunch break
Yeah. I fucked her boyfriend, she knows, and she still wants to keep dating him. That's love.
He went down on me for like 30 min and honestly half the time I thought about those videos where people can smash watermelons with their legs and I just wanted to do that to his skull
Randomize
