Just saw a group of asian tourists in safari outifts bow in thanks to the starbucks guys. And no Im not high.
He took out the lube and started calling it fuck fluid
and then they started calling me 'Shitshow Shandra', which apparently i took as a compliment.
i remember you telling me to take a shower, brush my teeth, go get back in bed w her, and "just do what i was born to do." and as soon as i stopped yacking i did just that. you saved my birthday.
drunk guy next to me on the train just tried to share his pizza with me
he just tried to feed it to me...i love new york
Me and this random chick had a conversation about how to save the world. 2 words: Dance. Battles. I love drunk heart to hearts in bar bathrooms.
I sent him this really overly apologetic text asking him out. It was just sad. Not even 27 shots of whiskey can grow me a self-esteem.
my grandma just gave me a shoebox fulled to the top with tootsie rolls and condoms with a not that said "enjoy college, find a big cock" i'm not sure how I feel about this
She had a glow in the dark pastie on her forehead the last time I saw her. That should help you find her.
I faked more orgasms with him then ever should be allowed for someone this pretty.
Are you sure he's still you're boyfriend when you're sober?
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO BE A DRUNK WHEN ALL MY ENABLERS ARE BUSY?!
His dick is curly. It's adorable.
I boned my sugar daddy for the first time yesterday and now I know why they say guys in their 40s are the best. Also I’m getting a car.
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