remember when you told me, jokingly, to not get jizz on your shirt that i borrowed last night?
i'm pretty sure god just pointed at me and laughed
Did you ever notice the eye of Sauron looks like Lindsay Lohan's vagina?
I wonder how many times I can be hungover in one day
How the hell can the Olympic committee frown so much on weed and yet put on a show you would have to be high to actually enjoy?
I don't think I'd trust a marching band with trampolines to not cause serious damage to themselves/ property.
Do you know how hard it is to maintain a conversation with someone who just told you they put their cat in the fridge on purpose?
I think they were making kool-aid in my bed. There is lots of sugar and my hands and face are stained blue.
We are magical, pot smoking, smart as hell, single as fuck, woodland dolphins.
You called my nipples compassionate. What does that even mean?
You went in the back with her.. And honestly I couldn't tell her neck from her tits man..
We just got in a fight with grandma b/c she tried to tell us you didn't go hard.
Take a shit and have a hit. It's the Sunday Funday Rule.
Well that didn’t go as expected.
I mean, it ended in you giving each of them a blowjob, so it kinda did.
Who in their right mind would frost a cake with their butt?
Randomize
