My dad just yelled at me for going to youth group with out telling him. Apparently going out to fuck a girl without telling him gets me a high 5, going to youth group gets me grounded.
We got so high yesterday we tried watching soccer
I just got an email from a bridal website with the subject "Countdown to your Wedding Day"... is 11AM too early to drink the rest of the wine we have?
My family just legit passed around a fifth of Maker's Mark. Also, this is sort of a Thanksgiving tradition. Also, Maker's Mark is really good.
Yeah? Well I'm currently predrinking downstairs in my room by myself. Absolut and water with a hint of mint because I'm using the glass I keep my toothbrush in. Fuck, you bitches better get off work soon.
She literally took off her shirt and ran out of the bar. When she ran back she smashed into the glass door with her face....That's got to be the best way to celebrate your 30th.
He passed out. I tried to set his chest hair on fire.
Long story short, I found someone who takes me seriously when I say I have a Shakespeare kink.
STOP PUTTING PICTURES OF JONAH HILL IN MY KITCHEN CABINETS!
I NEED A MOM FRIEND. NOW.
I don't know how to say "Sorry I was banging your boyfriend before I knew about you but you're awesome and we should hang out." without just saying it.
The clothing optional portion of the night began around midnight. Then we did disgusting things to each other. It was beautiful.
He just sent me a picture of multiple chickens eating in his kitchen... should I be worried
Just flash them and yell "JUDGE THESE BITCHES"
I'm so hungry and so lazy that I'm seriously considering ripping into that packet of cream cheese in my nightstand.
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