You wouldn't stop asking the hibachi cook if his knife was a hattori hanzo
i think guys can sense when i'm not wearing underwear
How the hell can the Olympic committee frown so much on weed and yet put on a show you would have to be high to actually enjoy?
watching my parents drink 4 loko out of usf cups playing pool and rocking out to ACDC...
Can I come live with you?
If I have to go to the hospital can we stop by the liquor store on the way?
shes trying to book us all flights to Ireland..I let her get mine and yours but stopped her when she tried booking the guy next to her at the library
I'm lonelier than Tom Hanks in Cast Away, right meow. Ready to make this bong my Wilson.
I like my landing strip. Makes me feel sophisticated.
What you did last night can never be called sophisticated. I don't care how you trim your pubes.
Most people would probably take his lack of responses as a queue to stop. But nope, not me. I just keep going. And that's why I don't have a bf, just a little weinered friend
I JUST SEARCHED GINGER COCK ON TUMBLR AND THEY'RE ALL REALLY WELL HUNG? I'M CRYING. IS THIS HOW GINGERS KEEP REPRODUCING?
WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU?
In case you're wondering what frozen hashbrowns taste like at 4 in the afternoon, shame. They taste like shame.
it's gotten to the point where I just look in my closet, think, "which article of clothing behaves most like a towel?" and then just go with that
You kicked me our in the middle of a blizzard with a dead phone. I had to give my watch to a pizza delivery person to take me home. You owe me a gyro too.
You 2012 self promised me that you would do LSD with me, and it's 2015 now. So.
Plus, I'm basically a doctor, so what could go wrong.
I made it 1 week... 5 business days at my new job before sleeping with my coworker.
Randomize
