Did you go home with that guy without me?
Sorry boo - it's pouring and I found a boy with a car
Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
guy in front of me on the bus did 12 yrs, hes teling me about how to knife fight
Sometimes when i'm at a cross roads in life, i think about what i would want my lifetime movie to show what i did
Why is there a cactus in the microwave?
Don't worry about it.
dude she snuck out while I was still sleeping then was banging on the door 10 minutes later cuz her car was brokedown. how was I suppose to recognize her??
im laying here in the parking lot drinking a warm coke, prob still drunk, feeling like i need to apologize to everyone i know
I vomited in the sink and my bra was in there...I don't even have words to describe this hangover confusion
well my dad not being home definitely made it less awkward to walk in carrying the bra I left wearing.
They left me stranded on the side of the road with a table and five gallons of water. They said it was all I really needed to survive. People are staring
She left you responsible for her guinea pig for what, 3 hours? And it somehow died under your care? I will no longer trust you with so much as a beer.
Thanks for listening. You're the first guy I've ever worked with who I didn't want to fuck.
i had to call him over, it was my last chance at getting some tonight
HE HAS A RESTRAINING ORDER AGAINST U!!!
it expires tomorrow
cinco de mayo stole my toenail
cinco de mayo stole my virginity.
Im sitting on the floor of the hotel room eating nachos and drinking coffee. People should learn to embrace their hangovers
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