Fat chicks shouldn't bartend
When he took off his pants i accidently shouted "that is one small wiener," and thats when he left
you'd think someone with a dick that small would take what he could get
So i banged this chick from Peru last night. Needless to say, I'm having chipotle for lunch todayas a south American reward to honor her.
I wish I could tell you that the worst thing that happened last night was how he got thrown out of a stripclub for vomitting on the girl giving him a private lapdance. I wish I could tell you that and not be lying.
If you're wearing dry underwear your day is already better than mine.
Look. I've got things to do today.. Will you hurry up and come over so I can give you some head and get my day started already
Outside
First night sober since New Years. I'm not sure what hurts more, the hangover or the credit dread when I find out what the tickets to Bali actually cost.
I just compared his sexting to a plate of spaghetti. And he STILL wants to sleep with me.
We had sex on a lawn chair while fireworks were going off last night. It was unavoidable that I got mosquito bites all over my ass
Holy. Fuck. This mans mouth is magical. I love married men. I don't have to teach them.
The guys are trying to figure out my orientation....think theyve settled on "drunksexual"
His dad gives me dirty looks whenever I come over though. I think it's because I eat his food and have sex with his son.
If I get a 4.0 I am doing SO much cocaine.
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
Sarah just give sum homeless dude a lap dance, took like 2$ worth of change from his cup and was all like, "Biiitch, this aint free"..
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