haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??
savin' lives aint cheap
I don't understand why some guys want to have a huge conversation while standing at the urinal with cock in hand...
If I'm having a dream where I'm having sex and I can actually feel it between my legs because I've had a lot of it recently, does that make me a whore?
I have a feeling this is a serious question. Problem solve, Jess.. I'm going to let you figure that one out on your own
Just fyi NOT a good idea to drunkenly insert your NuvaRing after chopping jalepeno peppers
My water bill is like twice the normal amount. I need a boyfriend.
Do I even want to know?
So i guess i slapped the girl sitting next to me leg and said "You know what they say, got fat legs...you gotta fat BOX"
throwing up in the shower isnt as glamorous as i expected
since when the fuck is that glamorous?
Making and watching you take a mixed shot with vodka, chocolate syrup, tobasco sauce, cranberry juice, and sundried tomato juice wasnt the highlite of my night. Hearing you puking from downstairs was.
dude he passed out in the strip club on his birthday, WHILE he was getting a lap dance. That drunk.
Know what the best part of waking up for work after a drinking vacation is? It's an easy question. Nothing. Nothing is the best part of that.
I woke up with a bagel in my mouth, still ate it. Free breakfast
The struggle bus crashed, rolled down a mountain, and went on fire, and I was on it ugh.
Your cousin just directly asked you for nudes
"Nobody needs to know that I have a vibrating butt plug and nobody needs to know that I'm probably gonna start wearing it at work"
I am so horny that I an legitimately concerned for your safety when I see you tonight.
Randomize
