Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
my little sister told my dad she found willy wonka's golden ticket in the backseat of my car. now my dad knows my boyfriend uses magnums.
do you know your status is "goal for vegas: hook up with a girl AND a boy"?
and THATS why i'm not adding my mom on facebook
2am update: i think I'm in Mexico but I found a dennys. Everyone but this cute family of 4 is speaking Spanish. Cute family of 4 is helping me out.
and you think what you did last night was bad? at least you didnt go wake up a sleeping guy for birthday sex.
Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
There was an awkward moment where I was going for his cock and he reach out and held my hand, thinking that what I was doing
ugh... I can't wait for campus to get back. Then everyone will have other things to try to have sex with besides me.
I met her dad while holding 4 empty beer bottles at the opera house. I think I made a hell of an impression.
I've always wanted to pass out in a bathtub
I think most people do. Your only real mistake was turning the water on first.
I threw all my money on the ground and said it was for homeless people and fell down the stairs
Dude, I traded weed for crunch berries. Happy Thursday.
Really this has to stop, if they get any younger we will be breaking the law
We're in a hurricane and you send me a video of you playing with your dick while driving! You wanna die?!
i doubt you are even in possession of a crowbar.
I suggest you not find out the hard way
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