I think my mom's writing a book called how to fuck with your kids when you know they're high
Working on an important paper into the wee hours of the morning, and every time I type the word "situation," I can't help but think of effing Jersey Shore. Those guidos are now ruining my academic life.
currently hungover, lying in bed and cutting cheese with my drivers license. ashamed? not even a little bit.
theyll ask where you are and ill say on a date crying in a sombrero
like that time i did too much ghb at gay pride
I feel like somehow my uterus ended up in my ribcage from all the keg stands i did last night..
hey dude come in here and see how much of my beard i can put in my mouth!
I blacked out at the bar, and blcked in getting a handjob on a roller coaster. Sober me is jealous of drunk me.
in literally every picture i'm wearing less and less of my costume.
I kinda wanna Instagram the giant vag stain on my sheets. That is something to be proud of. It's a Christmas miracle.
I'm pretty sure my intestines are bleeding but I'm still going to Orlando to catch that orgasm.
In my defense, I haven't stolen anyone's clothes yet.
Yeah, that's a plus.
She didn't complain to the library attendant about us being too loud. She complained after you grabbed her highlighter off the table to stir vodka into your tumbler with.
I can't adult today.
Take a nap and try again
I have to buy a couch. There's nothing more adult than buying a couch on a Tuesday.
I was so hungover at work I had my shirt on backwards. I had no idea how I managed to get through today puke free.
Is "You've never made me cum." an acceptable breakup line?
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