I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
She turned over and said "You smell like my dad, i just can't do this"
I told her I'd give her some of the cream I was using so she didn't get my warts. That's when I realized I was too drunk.
2010 has been the year of the Eskimo brother. Let's see how many igloos we can shack in next year
My google searches from last night: tetanus shot rabbit bite, Bacardi gluten free
Jsyk, in serious talks of trading blowjobs for soup in bed. I'm sober
this probably sounds so sketchy, but hes going to jail in a month so he needs a place to crash for now. Hes sick though, and hes paying half our rent
Hungover. Have to fix everything I've broken. I'm gonna be very late.
But you can't tell me I give the best blow jobs and then not break up with your girlfriend who has fucking TMJ! Come on!
I'm just opting for alcohol abuse, ramen and cuddling with my dog for now.
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
What's an appropriate outfit for wearing to hangout with a girl you've talked to once, and had a 4way with?
You know that feeling when you wake up and your whole body just smells like a penis?
Sorry I pissed in your closet and lied to your parents that it was probably a flood. He got up to go to the bathroom, expecting sex when he got back, I panicked
No I’m scared man. She sharted. In my car. Wearing a dress. And I still like her.
Wow
Randomize
