I asked my mom, she said yes...but you have to shower with grandpa.
A slipped finger up the butt isn't the end of the world
I think I have internal bruising from those poses we were doing last night. My own ribs hurt me. I don't understand.
We made out for three hours. Then she said she didn't sleep with redheads and left the party. So yes, I'm still drinking.
he couldnt get it up, so i stole his lighter. i needed to have some reason to say the night wasnt wasted
She sucks dick like Beethoven on piano, but talking to her is like Simple Jack in Tropic Thunder. Still working out the pros vs cons list.
Hey. I thought you were saving your 80s playlist til marriage.
It took me 3 tries to get up the front steps. They kept me motivated by waving taco bell just out of my reach. Surprisingly effective.
I can't promise that. They just put an extra shot in my margarita.
Looking through last night's sexting, realized one is a haiku..
He started making out with my boobs. I didn't know whether to be proud of my boobs or ashamed of my mouth.
I'm suffering a hangover from deep within. I feel like the half of the parts of my body are permanently laced with alcoholic substances
Well. I had to explain to my niece that the word cunt is not an abbreviation for country. I'm the best aunt in the world.
I can get something to clone your cock for $40. It's worth it. It's my birthday present to myself.
OMG I CAN GET A GLOW-IN-THE-DARK ONE
the cop found his r2d2 bong and asked me if i ever smoked out of him. i'm like, no sir. he's like ahh. if i were to smoke, it'd definitely be out of some star wars character.
easily made my night.
Randomize
