Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
They wont let us in. Theyve some sort of no Daft Punk costume rule
i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
I actually had to roll up my long sleeves to masturbate. I hate the winter
There are not enough shots in the world for this. We walked in and they shouted "the pilgrims are here!" And then someone handed me a turkey leg the size of my arm.
remember, YOU ARE A WINNER
my dinner was a box of cheezits simultaneously mixed in with cocoa puffs and fried rice.
Walking in to my alcoholic Assessment meeting with a black eye = 40% awkward 60% awesome
When you put my balls in your mouth i just want to buy you expensive gifts...you know what i mean?
I'm so glad I was blacked out while I was going all exorcist in the bathroom. That's so not a memory I want.
I have this rep as a wingman for a reason. I'm like a poon caddy. "You might want to use a 9 iron on this hole. "
I didn't know what to do so I panicked and puked in my pillowcase with my pillow still inside.
And that kids is the last time I ever try to outdrink Germans
So I just noticed that my last drunk google search before going to bed last night was "ghosts based on gays." I have no idea what that's supposed to mean
He told me that when he bends me over that chair I remind him of a bull rider. So thanks for being the ex that helps my present sex life
When I woke up this morning I swear my mouth tasted like dick and rolaids.
Randomize
