I think I deserve the nobel peace prize for discovering that one should smoke before drinking instead of drinking before smoking.
strike ten. I need to stop drinkng
She's like Mona Lisa when she's intoxicated. No one understands her but they all think she's marvelous
Just crushed a xanax into my chewing gum. Its gonna be a long, fucking up flight...
he said he wanted to butter my pancake. i thought it was sexual, but he went downstairs and made pancakes. i need to stop dating fat guys.
I'm telling you the guy came in bought a box of condoms and all three of the chicks that came in behind him followed him to his car. I want his life
He shaved off his eyebrows. This is not my life.
He has a landing strip. I repeat he has shaven himself a landing strip. HELPPPP!
I'm drunk at McDonald's in a fairy costume at 10 am nearly two weeks after Halloween. I don't think the Ohio State fans get it.
Ok roommate is officially weird. Just watched her microwave the same broccoli 3 times in a row and cry b/c she fucked it up. Wtf lol
I think it says something about my life when I start picking up girls while im in rehab. And I don't think it's good.
We've started traveling with Michael and Patrick so we can pretend we're two legit straight couples.
A charade that fell apart the second another couple on the cruse found Sarah face down in my box on an observation deck.
also I was promised more toga parties by popular media
my roommate had drunk sex above me in our bunk bed and then built me a fort to apologize the next day
dollar rum and cokes, see you on the dark side of infinity
Randomize
