dude, i look like john mccains neck right now
i love marijuana more then i could love a human baby.
oh, and bring over your fire extinguisher. we're gonna get the mailman again
Game over. He has a paternity test request on his table.
This milkshake tastes better than sex. Priorities, I have them.
If you're knocked up, we're telling everyone it's mine and that the power of our love overcame the inherent reproductive limitations of two vhagines.
Is it bad that all my wine bottles have teeth marks in the cork?
I just saw an easily 300lb shirtless man on a Vespa. My day has been simultaneously made and ruined.
From what I can tell at a cursory glance, it seems that last night I fell asleep on string cheese and it melted into my bra.
Never thought I would be taunted by little kids about my walk of shame
you know that feeling on acid where you think the world stops just to fuck with you? That's what it felt like.
Then she looked me straight in the eyes and asked me if I missed my foreskin. Weirdest conversation ever.
Promise me you will not let me do anything sexual with or to a mini horse no matter how drunk we get. Ever.
dude, i told you to rally, so you sprinted upstairs, knocked some girl down, and without missing a beat said, "not now bitch, im in the fucking zone" and took off
How’d it go?
I accidentally joined a cult
So not great...
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