Just got my rental car in Iowa...gas is under 2 dollars in des moines...this is not a real state
My balls are about to become a huge part of your mouth's life
Do you think my bosses would frown upon Jameson with breakfast on this holiest of days?
i think im the only person who makes thank you cards for their drug dealer
i'm drunk and confused. there might be a 4 year old here.
A very small part of me wants you to appreciate me for more than just my breasts. But the rest of me is breasts.
She said, "I don't really go out much, but my husband recently cheated on me" and I don't remember anything after that.
Spending my graduation money on an abortion. Welcome to the real world.
Don't do anything you wouldn't want to explain to paramedics
But that's half the fun of it
I'm surprised, it's been so long you must be starving
At a certain point, the zombie-like hunger goes away. Then the sadness sets in. Then you start lying to yourself that you're taking some "me time." Then you remember you dodged chlamydia and Buddha knows what else. Then you're at peace with it.
Did I really drink that whole bottle of Jack Daniels last night?
Heroically.
Hungover in church. I can feel stained glass Jesus judging me.
We watched playoff games and fucked so we could both see the TV. I've now found true love.
your penis is a great and majestic leader among the penises.
Update: drank half a bottle of Bourbon and texted three ex's. Waiting for the roommates to go to sleep so I can raid the fridge.
Randomize
