can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
I look like a sausage in jean shorts, you should have woken up earlier and approved my outfit.
This girl told me I had the balls of an infant..I replied by saying her vagina looks like Stargate.
Fun fact of the day the average american will consume 13248 beers in their lifetime.
So for us it's double that?
Precisely.
Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
I learned an important lesson last night: Jameson giveth, but Jameson also taketh away.
Cruelly.
I mean, I'd wanted to go skinny dipping, hook up with him and have sex on a beach, so last night I basically killed 3 birds with one super slutty stone.
i have one question about last night
if this is about your fridge being filled with hotdogs, sour cream, and PB&J open-faced sandwiches, i can explain
I found bruises on my neck from barfing out the window.
If you're fucking that other dude, I'll take the sloppy seconds. I don't care.
I'm sorry for biting your husband's ass last night.
Nobody knows who they are, but they have an ice luge so they are welcome in my book
I just watched an intern spill two trays of coffee inside a spinning door
Best exit from a building ever
i solemnly vow to never stick my penis into crazy again
I give it a week.
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
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