I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
I think this baby is eyeing my beer
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
I need to stop smoking. I just talked to corn.
have to get expensive furniture. after that study abroad now at least six things at ikea are named after guys i slept with
don't trust your eyes. just sniff them. if they smell like axe, they are broke, move on to the next.
pretend your vagina is a choco taco and the guy is someone who really loves choco tacos. let him enjoy the choco taco.
Is it bad that i wanna bang this girl ONLY because she looks like my cousin?
The amount of effort it's taking me to not shit my pants this morning is probably a sign to slow down the drinking
Whiskey and tits go great with anything. Especially fire.
Is it bad that I'm using the photo I took for my fake ID as my linkedin profile pic?
I'm not complaining, but why is it that every time I hang out with you I come home with random injuries and random girls?
No dude 10 parakeets in your bedroom is 9 parakeets too many. Bring them back. Today!
when i woke up w mysterious sticky crap in my hair, i assumed i had another blackout hookup. nope. turns out i made PBJ and proceeded to pass out in it. i ate the evidence when i woke up.
Found your brother. He was passed out in the tub holding a bottle of Shatto milk wearing nothing but his tighty-whities.
Randomize
