took 5 apple pie shots. caution: flames. not digestable.
I swear that men would be more efficient if they had a semen gauge on their penises
If there was a god I would have a big mac right now, but i don't
my roomates packed me a lunch. it had bread, cheesewiz, a can of refried beans and a condom with a note that said "good luck on your first day". im not even gonna pretend to be mad.
We woke up, fucked twice, she drank 3 warm heinekins to cure her hangover and said "Im glad you're still hott when im sober"
Hey, just wanted to let you know that University Police stopped by and repossessed the stolen laundry basket. And the 8 bottles of detergent.
Putting a positive pregnancy test next to my condoms in my drawer so I remember why I always need to use condoms
Yepp, I had to be the one to explain that the girl who was slapping people in the face with a dildo was my drunk girlfriend.
When you can pee with one hand accurately while texting, you drink too much.
I CAN ONLY BE THE BIRDIE ON YOUR SHOULDER WHO LEADS YOU INTO BAD DESCISIONS
Just kidding. Don't worry, you're getting sugar and orgasms for Valentine's day.
Thanks for letting me pee on your bed and cry about nothing to you. You're a real friend
I thought you couldn't go near Germans after that restraining order
How do I tell this guy that if he does not like the condoms at my apartment, he should bring his own without sounding like a sure thing?
Say it's BYOC night at the beach. And, you are a sure thing. Own it.
so i'm with my friends driving on the highway and just saw a guy in the car next to us sucking on a dildo. can't make this shit up.
Randomize