We have a vodka soaked ShamWow with your name on it.
you wouldn't stop saying "oil can" in the tin man voice until I gave you back your flask
because you can't take the autistic girl you're babysitting on a blunt ride.
i just declared my major based on how close the department building was to our apartment. laziness has been brought to a new level
definitely not taking the whole return culture shock so well...drinking a 100 proof rootbeer vodka float out of a german beer mass
Had a booty call cancel on me tonight. Said he hurt his back. So this is what single and 30-something is like. Suck.
A guy in a banana suit just got the whole bus to participate in a call and response version of Bohemian Rhapsody. HERO
Just got a Snapchat of his dick with the caption 'We miss you.'
That's true love, there.
Literally every boy I've dated is now in a somewhat successful band. My vagina has obviously been blessed by the rock gods.
you can't get cum all over my hair and then tell me you just want to be friends
When she says 'Polish hangover cure' she just means more vodka. Don't do it.
It's like jay gatsby himself preordained that our genitals meet again.
Don't date the locals. They're all tainted.
Kids music just accidentally came on at this party. I didn't know how many stoners were here until they all sang along.
So bottomless mimosas = me waking up in a truck bed in a random neighborhood with no purse or phone or idea how I got there.
Randomize
