I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
dude just tell them you don't wear clothes. they'll understand
i left him drunk and in the fetal postion in the shower.
was the water running?
yeah but he said he knows how to swim
i think i left my bra at your place
It's still hanging from my ceiling fan. Please let me keep it there.
FUUUUUCK she froze all my quaters inside the ice cubes again
Well today was Thanksgiving Anti-Miracle Daydrinkathon so I had to be drunk by 2pm
If im still in the bathroom puking when the sirens go off please distract the cops.
You've got the short couch unless you find some girl to take you home
Challenge accepted.
Do you think he stole that soccer trophy that he gave you for the "best sweater award" from his five year old son?
You were fucked up like a footballbat trying to eat gum off your shoe. And that wasn't even the nights lowest point.
This is what my life has come to. Drinking champagne alone yelling at the dog because no one wants to hang out with me
Seriously, she had fingers that made me thank a god I don't even believe in that I'm gay.
Oh my god there are animals here. There are actusal animals trying to get him. A giraffe is trying to get in. A giraffee is trying to get in. Is ridiculouss.
Yo this huge scar on my head from the car accident is truly a vag magnet. Probably because I'm telling people I was attacked by a mountain lion and killed it with my bare hands. But hey when life gives you lemons, you use them to get pussy
Just renamed the subject of my sex list on my phone "grocery list" just in case anyone comes across it
Randomize
