I have way too many pictures of poop on my phone
he got up in front of the whole lecture hall and yelled that Charlie Brown's Christmas tree was his favorite book in the history of the universe. then he stumbled out the fire exit setting the alarm off. I could've jumped him right then and there.
just found a sign outside my brothers door "not going to church, don't even try" and he is covered is vomit in his bed.
My roommate just got home. Made an entire package of bacon. Ate it. And then went to bed.
What are you doing? Because if it happens to be drinking, or even any activity that rhymes with "drinking", I'll be over in 5.
He's sweet and rough. A wonderful contradiction. He's the starburst of sex.
Don't call police on the strange man passed out in his car in the driveway. I'll be home around noon to collect him.
HE JUST ALLUDED TO FUCKING MY FRESH LOAF OF BREAD
Btw...refried beans is a terrible thing to throw up.
All I have are vague memories of us eating ham?
And then the night went full on bisexual.
I'm really going to need you to stop yelling Campari.
Failing this, see a doctor for elephant tranquillisers, to be taken with whiskey orally, twice at dawn.
I woke up in my neighbors backyard with glitter on my teeth and sparklers super glued on my bra. which part was your fault?
He went down on me and then made me breakfast in bed. He's a man you can bring home to mom.
Randomize
