just come out here and I will go home with you...
I was at circle k buying gas and this girl in a papa johns uniform comes up and is like " I've got a bunch of extra pizzas. Large peperoni for $5." then she went to her trunk and pulled one out. It felt like a drug deal for a fat person
just got out of a noise viloation because the cop recognized my roomate as his favorite chipotle burrito roller. just another reason I love ritos
and that's why he's hiding in the taco suit
Found my little brother jerking off with a condom. he said he was "practicing"
OMG its one we used last night
Wow thanks 4 throwing jello at me an yelling who invited that guy to all the guys at the bar
my drunken justification for peeing in her closet was that her shoes were ugly
my math prof is telling us what to do in a gun fight. i dont want to live in oakland anymore.
Btw... when someone is licking your balls, "yeah... that's not the worst thing in the world" is not an appropriate compliment/thank you.
When our dicks touched he made a lightsaber noise.
I've decided to take one for the team and bang the landlady for lower rent.
I'm a great relationship counselor. My vagina will let you know if your relationship is gonna work or not.
I think I almost ran over some kid I went to high school with. Guilt factor: moderate to low.
STOP BUYING ALADDIN PANTS WITH MY AMAZON CREDIT CARD
I walked in..crop dusted the whole place then asked her if she wanted to go to a place that smells better.
You were always a thinker
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