have you facebook stalked him yet?
No, I don’t know his last name...
Just google his license plate numb
If a cop asks you "Where do you go for fun?", it's not a pick up line...especially if he just pulled you over.
Fell asleep in bio again. Sometimes i feel like college is just one really expensive nap.
Grandma was not a fan of the beer-can ornaments. Not "traditional".
Look, all I'm sayin is $2 boilermakers and an expense account are probably a bad mix…
Are you dead or are you taking another 13 hour nap? you need to let me know these things ahead of time so i dont worry.
Wednesdays are like the thursdays of tuesdays... Drink time
Hate is such a strong word! I prefer to think that you strongly dislike me due to the honesty I show towards your routine shortcomings of success in life.
Maybe your new years resolution should be not to fuck in Sears bathroom anymore.
I did too many shots and now a kitten is trying to eat my bagel.
I'm semi drunk. I just bought you penis moisturizer. Not kidding. Keep an eye out for the package. Merry Christmas.
Hey guys guess what I found in my bed this morning? I wish it was a man..but it was a potato
Just watched two people have sex in the pool. Hope you enjoy your yeast infection courtesy of the comfort inn.
Ended up in some house where this dude has a $1200 leopard cat
EW FUCK GROSS GODDAMMIT I WENT DOWNSTAIRS AND MY GODDAMN BROTHER WAS FINGERING SOME GIRL ON THE FLOOR DOESN'T HE KNOW HE FUCKING LIVES WITH PEOPLE
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