Emee failed...She used my genitals as a tampon
i think 'regret' was last night's theme. i could taste it in my mouth and woke up next to it.
If I could pick any std, I would pick genital herpes. Seriously. Have you seen the commercials? The lady is riding a fucking bike, swimming, and on a date. I have a perfectly fine vag and all I do is go to the library.
Who the hell brings a 6pack to a party. I'm trying to make mistakes.
he was terrible at kissing, so i just kept letting him motorboat me. he seemed very pleased with my choice
hey this is Madison. you gave me your number last night and asked me to remind you that you didn't fuck anyone. you okay?
I standby a snuggie being perfectly acceptable attire for drunkenly walking your dog at 5am. Our new neighbors did not seem to agree.
The only thing keeping me calm right now is pretending to chop off everyone's heads when using the paper cutter
the police told me I had to sign a waiver stating that my car will no longer be used for crime activity.
It was weird, because he kept shaking his head like he was motorboating me...but on my vagina.
Don't stress. That was a joke. I'd trust my pets with no one else. Accidents happen. Sometimes things go smoothly when you help a neighbor out and sometimes you electrocute their fish. Life is funny that way.
I think girls have an advantage in chugging contests. We know how to just open our throats.
I'm sorry I tried to spit drugs down your throat like a baby bird last night.
I took it as a sign from the lord above that she wanted me to creep on these men.
I'm drunk and don't know where I am. There's a giant metal penguin if that helps.
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