She took her shirt off and was broader than Dwight Howard.
Vanilla vodka + chocolate soymilk does NOT equal an epic milkshake.
I could swear I did coke with Jesus last night
Puked in my laptop case in the middle of my nutrition class.
I feel like I shouldn't be doing my banking stoned. But I bought a new bowl. Her name is Sharpe. Pronounced Shar-Pay.
thanks for waiting 12 hours to ask if I was in a ditch or not
Oh my god. I'm not ready to be an adult. I'm not ready.
by the way whatever wisdom you imparted upon me last night was lost to whatever i smoked out of a beer can.
You have amazing self restraint. If there was one thing I could learn from you, that wouldn't be it. I love my life as it is.
I fell asleep while eating jimmy johns last night and then woke up at 5am and continued to eat it
IT'S FUCKING BABY SEASON ON FACEBOOK. MY VAGINA WANTS TO THROW UP
Ethically, this is the worst thing I've ever done. Financially, however...
This is not a test of the emergency warning system. He has broken my vagina. I repeat he has broken my vagina. Damn it was good.
Saw throw up in the parking lot at work, glad I'm not the only one. But now the search begins.
Mary's wearing shades at her desk, brilliant!
just woke up and had to check if i still had pants on, i really need to stop drinking
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