I'm surprised I didn't puke tonight
Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
Housing is going to charge us for any broken dishes/glassware. Steal as many glasses as you can from the bars tonight. I got the baking dish and 3 plates covered.
Hovering on the line between her being fuckable and me being too drunk to fuck. Life's juggling act in progress here.
I walked out of the store holding my face and a lady pulled her daughter away from me as I then threwup in the parking lot
the cab driver asked if you were our mom. you definitely shouldn't have tipped him so much.
Come get me we have a petting zoo to throw up in.
I just wanna be able to fart and do my homework but he won't leave
I can't sleep. My mind keeps asking "turn down for what?" but it won't accept any of my answers.
Did I send you a drunk selfie with a pine tree last night?
I just bought a blender and 120 pizza rolls. Bring tequila.
I got myself off in the shower last night for the first time ever! I just looked like I was playing a game of twister.
What kind of sociopath goes to sleep at 9pm when I clearly need attention
My whole life is a joke
Yeah. I’m starting to see why you drink so much.
This woman at the blackjack table is sitting on a pile of newspaper so she can pee at her seat and never miss a hand.
Randomize
