Is it a little weird that I have a ridiculous urge to have sex while the theme song to the Pirates of the Carrbibbean blares in the background?
my boobs just fell out on the dance floor. my wedding is totally beating your wedding
you screamed 'he won't go on a date with me, but he gave me a free junior chicken'
well imagine, me dating the manager equals free junior chickens for everyone
He came in looking for condoms, iced coffee, and a gas tank. I need to be where he's going.
I think I'm drunk. That wine was old. I found it behind the water heater next to the mouse poison.
I can't feel my brain.
at least if we puke, we will be surrounded by beautiful, non-judgemental trees.
They only knew me as the lesbian that passed out in a bathtub. That's not what you call friendship.
I decided that Calgary can keep my underwear. They earned it.
After the Patriots lost I punched him in the face. But I still feel like that isn't a good reason to dump me.
I'm at an awkward stage of not being able to tell if I wanna keep having fun or if I need to die in bed
Is it normal that every guy I hook up with tells me my hair is sexy as it's happening? Like that can't be normal
I'm basically your average "grandpa stuck in a 28 year old woman's body" - i'm super passionate about retirement and crossing on the walk signal.
and SLEEP god I love sleep
We will walk in fields of dick.
You seriously need to stop quoting those songs when i'm with my parents.
I've seen you go skiing on a Tuesday, but you think you're too good for TGI Friday's?
I'm nothing if not determined to sleep with everyone at that company
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