My mom was talking about how protein is essential to strong bones and then I told her, I'll give you protein.
How unfortunate for your Mom.
So when does "going out for one drink" = giving some guy an HJ on the sidewalk?!?
Have you ever had champagne poured on you during sex? It was like a rap video
i just made my gag reflex go away.
Happy graduation...we are now officially unemployed alcoholics!
I was blowdrying my hair this morning and I swear to god it smelled like franzia
He told his ice cream cone it 'looked cute' and then started to cry. The Dairy Queen people were not pleased.
It mathmatically balances. Less pants + more shirt = fully clothed. see? Not a whore!
You peed on someones bathroom floor while saying people are rude for not flushing
I literally just rubbed my stomach and told my liver to "hang in there baby"
I just put on underwear fresh outta the dryer and it's like tiny Angels are giving them warm supportive hugs all over
I haven't showered. And am sitting in the office smelling like a beer can someone's been using as an ash tray.
NO. NONE OF THAT. SHAME ON YOU.
Is it weird that I have your number saved in my phone as baby Jesus?
its a comptetion of fuckups and im HERE TO WIN
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