U dropped me off n it hit me, i made it inside for exactly shit thirty on the nose, another minute n i would of had brown trowsers
Funny, my mom didn't get it when I said 'that's what she said' after she said 'it's so thick, it's impossible' in reference to my milkshake
I was being carried out of the bar, but then my friend saw Pat who just got kicked out scaling the wall to sneak back in, so he carried me back in, sat me on the bar stool, and the bartender just let us all keep drinking.
Being persistent has its perks my friend.
there's a sign at taco bell and it says "bacon and ranch make everything better." it speaks to me.
Well the strippers have danced to goo goo dolls and green day, time of your life. Were all gonna commit suicide.
My mouth is so dry that I'm about to put a straw in a jar of Vaseline and chug. This all addi diet definitely has its ups and downs.
I ran into the kitchen halfway through hooking up cause I forgot I put the cookies on the oven too high. Came back and she was gone but the only thing I could think about was all the extra cookies I could eat now. Got through about 6 before I realized why she left.
I feel like the universe head butted me in my balls. That hungover.
.... My lady balls. Cuz I'm a lady.
Either of you know why the shower was on and the bathroom door wide open with no one in there at 6 in the morning?
at first i said "no rollerblading if I'm going to be drunk," but we all know how that went
She came 4 times, called me a god, then made me breakfast. I don't think she is ever going to leave
I just need to find a good handlebar mustache to sit on until I'm over that beard
He corrected my spelling during sexting.
I shaved my asshole for this. That's real dedication.
Saw my doctor at the bar. He bought me a drink. I think he was looking up my medical record on his phone because he suddenly had to go. syphilis continues to fuck with my life
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