He could be your dad!
We discussed that right before he asked for my number
You ran away and I found you three blocks later lying by a dumpster because "that's where your life belongs"
Just joined the godiva rewards club. Who's the fat friend now.
rubbing her clit was like playing thumb war
Thats my favorite, when ex girlfriends become XL ex girlfriends
Now they're talking about doing whiskey shots since they're flipping the turkey over. You might need to drive me home.
Holy shit. This 2 year old just told me her nipples were for her boyfriend. Hello future leaders of america
Hippo gnu deer
Just blew my age on the breathalyzer. I also have 8 stitches in my head. So worth a .22 though. All time record.
It's cool, I power napped on the dryer while they were fucking in the bathroom so I'm good to go now. Where are you?
Dude. He almost took three different girls home, all while dressed up as Amy Winehouse. If he goes as Kurt Cobain next weekend, we're screwed.
Saw my drug dealer at Easter mass with his family so that was weird
I would rather suck a dick or two than go there
Your shit was massive.
I'm not 100% sure how to respond to that.
If you were in a "who has the massivest shit contest", you'd win by a landslide.
And I mentioned the burning debate about your circumcision in my Christmas card to your mom.
Randomize