They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
I just spent $27 on things to pee on.
i just heard my neighbor say from outside my window "i don't give a shit what he does, what the hell am i gonna do with my son's penis?"
Right when I walked into the party my boyfriend stood up and yelled, "HEY TITS, GET ME A BEER!"
All I heard was "You have collect call from Lafayette Parish Jail for Dude it was awesome! I'll tell you about it later!"
This is the last pregnancy scare i've had since i was 12 and i thought you could get pregnant from masturbating.
what is it with giant penises always finding me
I've been randomly kik messaging bearded men I find on Instagram while sitting unshowered in my underpants. I'm like the girl version of a creepy uncle.
just got caught singing "pop that pussy" by a very old man at work. *face palm*
for some reason leaving your socks onmakes it less meaningful.
"Like what guy would respond to 'let's fuck. I've got bagels'??"
Checking out a dudes' nachos instead of the dude #foreveralone
Fucked him in his sketchy van in the Applebee's parking lot. In other news, my dry spell is over.
Guy running next to me at the gym is judging me. I think he can smell the whiskey leaking out of my pores.
You told your boyfriend he needed to fuck you in the tree because it would make you guys one with nature.
Did he?
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