I fell asleep next to my cousin and woke up with my hand in her pants because i though it was lisa
You just compared our sex life to a seven year old kid.
My mom asked me if I was being satisfied, sexually. And then discussed positioning.
This hangover is way worse than all my relationships
Just had a dream about an abnormally large bottle of tequila. No more depressed drinking for me.
There's a creepy homeless guy with no hand trying to get up on our tacobell order
Been trying to fuck him since december. Finally got him into bed and he was uncircumcised. Why do bad things happen to good people?
It's national "dress up your pet day" come over. Drugs and dressed up cats..it's the shit dreams are made of.
there's people who respect me enough not to bang on my bed and i think that's beautiful
He was basically a horny puppy - following me around all night and kept sticking his hand down my pants.
if happy hour never ends, you’ll never have to eat kale
Is it weird that the girl I'm fucking just wished me luck on my date tonight?
I'm so high that a guy on TV just sneezed and I said "bless you."
He hit me with his bagpipe
Isnt that against the lesbian handbook?
QUIT STEALING MY PHONE AND SEXTING MY MOM!!!!
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