I walked in on my roommate finishing watching something on his computer. There was cum all over his screen. He awkwardly said hi and pulled up his pants.
U of I kids don't fist pump to Sweet Caroline. Get me the fuck out of here.
wait do you know what youre gonna say if they ask how youre getting back?
yes. helicopter.
Just painted my nails at the bar... I may be getting too comfortable here.
Dear Derek. I would like to offer my sincerest apology for the 2 to 6 text messages you are about to read. Also for the 15 minute voicemail, which may or may not have sent. Sincerely, Sober Katie
Please please please buy brown eye liner on your way home in the morning... I'm missing an eyebrow
Im chasing shots of tequila with chocolate milk right now. by myself. its nasty, but I've had worse in tjere the past couple days, so ill take it.
I immediately regret the tequila decision.
By the way, do you realize that you asked me how much you could get for your eggs last night. And once you learned the price said that you had plenty to share.
he played intl players anthem 4me and ate a strawberry out of my pussy
i thought this was a perfectly normal conversation between two adult men about why this children's cartoon is quality television but no you just gotta be talking shit again
I'm not saying I love you. I never said I love you. I said that if earth blew up like Krypton you'd be the only person I would like to have inside me when our bodies burn up in a fiery inferno
He put his number in my phone as Steve handsome
you were so high you just watched the elf.... its spring
Reverse road head. Sa-witch!!!
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