I'm waiting for seagulls to eat this throw up
Dood you jacked it to warcraft. you can't come back from something like that
and she said "My body is an orphanage, I take everybody in"...
Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
You know... If I put the same amount of effort into school as I put into giving women orgasms I would be a Rhodes scholar
There are paw prints all over my ceiling.
I got 87 likes on my changed relationship status. It's official. I'm way more fucking awesome single.
They're mostly guys
Early bird gets the worm.
Sorry about sucking tonight. Drunk truck fucking is apparently not my strong point.
You used up your allotted blow job minutes for the month of April last night anyways
You can jump from the roof to the pool. Trust me. I have done this before.
Hey... Tell me if you remember differently, but nobody truly saw me naked, right?
Remember the bouncer that knocked out Dave and Sam? Apparently his day job is a florist. Uppercut and fresh cut in one package.
When we were done he got down next to the bed and I thought he was Tebowing. He was hitting a bong that he had already loaded and hidden under the bed.
I got stoned and explored ice caves with a guy who photographs dildos for a living. I win.
For a man with no legs he was surprisingly good at doggy style.
I don't know whether to high-five you or stage an intervention.
Randomize
