3:47a: I take it you're not on your way over
Planned Parenthood should have gift certificates.
You told me alcohol would be the death of you then ordered 10 shots of tequila.
vodka bottle broke. scooping it out of the plastic tub with a shot glass into a sprite bottle using a ziplock bag as a funnel and straining the glass out with paper towels. good thursday night?
I AM SAFE. EVERYTHING IS FOG. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED.
What vodka is american?
Skyy. I already looked it up for 4th of july.
I deleted my history right in front of my girlfriend w/out her seeing. Let's go skydiving with no parachutes. I can live thru anything.
Almost bit the guy's hand who sits in front of me because he was stretching. That. Bored.
Like please, take your microdick and try to stick it someplace else. It is not welcome in my world.
Well he has a golden retriever set as his background so there's no way he was filming us having sex
You know you're high when, "Why can't I steal the duck?!" Becomes a serious question.
Headphones came off my phone same time as The Weeknd sang "Who's gonna fuck you like me?"...Everyone at work heard it.
I have a story for you. It involves waffles and getting naked with the local weatherman.
I got her number but I don't think I'll be able to smash, I was pretending to be British AND I forgot her name
I had to cum in my sink.
Randomize
