Call me when you're up
Great dream, you were in it
if this week's events in iraq have taught me anything, it's that when pulling out, always expect a mess...
Just found a quarter that has been stuck to my boob since at least last night.
Since when do you have sex with people you have feelings for?
Dude you don't understand. I genuinely felt his soul's penis in my soul's vagina.
Did you shave a certain someone in his sleep last night?
I Can't even believe I threw all my pizza rolls at her, I mean not only did i ruin a good meal but now I dont have anymore
I faked an orgasm during phone sex last night. This relationship is starting to become real.
I met her daughter,who I went to high school with on my way out this morning. She didn't seem to surprised. I love older women.
What I've learned from glowsticks: glowing things are not safe to eat
He asked me if I wanted to blow his whistle and proceeded to pull out an actual whistle.
My brain and heart say thanks but my vagina isn't super pleased with you right now
Idk I think he's weird but he's also from Wisconsin so that might have something to do with it.
Puked in my purse on my Uber ride home last night. Safe to say it's not a good idea to beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
I swear to God if you start calling your dick “my pegasus” we’re not friends anymore
I dont even know what happened i just remember waking up with beer cans outlining my body...
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