when you find your car can you pick me up? his mom is here and im hungover
let's put it this way: i'm gonna stop drinking and get a gym membership. she's that hot
His fingers had 12 years of piano lessons behind them. my ex has been put to shame by a finger
I see you've set aside this special time to humiliate yourself in public.
Who knew that one of those cheesy light up equalizer shirts would be the light that all those drunk college girls gathered like moths around?
and after i failed the breathalyzer i said to the cop "i've never been very good at tests"....
my hip hurts so fuckin bad. and I just found a half eaten burrito in my nightstand drawer.
and i'm going to kill you for what you did to my nipples last night. of course i want to hang out
110% paid for our cab with a lap dance
I think I'm going to contact pbr and see if they'll sponsor our dreams
Didn't you used to babysit him?
18 years ago I helped him into his clothes. Today he helped me out of mine.
It wasn't exactly a dick pic. It was more like a body shot with a hint of wiener.
Really need a jack off emoji
Who do we write to about that?
You yelled "Shame!" like you were that bitch from Game of Thrones and then hit my balls full force with your sports bra
Thanks for fucking the skin off my dick
It was a joint effort between my vagina my feet and your hand you can't just blame that all on me
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