Alcohol only hurts me because he loves me.
this guy had a colored tattoo of Chucky on his leg, whatever drugs he does, i want them
Seriously. He was just sitting there naked in the dark with a boner pissed that I came home late.
...and all my boxers are outside in the snow because????
Worst bachelorette party. She got smashed and cried because she thinks she might have herpes from when she cheated on him. Not looking good for them.
found my necklace. it was safe with all 6 boxes of peeps that i bought that night.
could you please not use my mortar and pestal for its intended purpose? i just snorted cracked black pepper.
It's like leaving me for his wife wasn't enough. He had to give me an STD too.
Then she looked me straight in the eyes and asked me if I missed my foreskin. Weirdest conversation ever.
There's no sexy way to moan the name Ernest. Or Ernie. This relationship is fucked
How do you nicely stand up a date that you're skipping for a 3sum
Well I'm back. Could you fill me in on what I missed?
You don't want to know. Trust me.
I just left a 3 minute voicemail to the guy I want to fuck baby talking my cats and I don't know if I can delete it 😐
i've hit rock bottom. Eating pringles and playing taylor swift on guitar in my underwear at 11am on a wedensday morning. Sober.
remind me again why we thought drinking hungarian moonshine was a good idea
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