Exactly how deep of a burn should you have when you pee before becoming legitimately concerned?
so he was shitfaced and kept using sticky notes to label everything like "beer spill" and "going to fuck later"
Just think, this time last Cinco de Mayo you were holding me up and finding me passed out in the yard of that house.
The cab driver doesn't know where we can find an empire state building shaped dildo either!? What is wrong with NYC!?
I cant believe you went home with her.. Your poor immune system and the shit you put it through.
We were playing hot potato with real potatoes at 3am
Fuck my life, there's a fry in my vagina.
You were riding my three year old's train yelling, 'I think I can, I think I can!!'
I thought I could.
Hope I didn't wake u up but I woke up and there is a shirt, boxers, belt and jeans on my balcony, along with a naked guy who claimed to scale the building
I heard drunk is the new sober. I heard me say that. To a cop. Can you come get me??
A surplus of mistakes were made and I don't know what 89% of them were.
When she tells her friend, "hey I'll be back tomorrow, just going to fuck a guy", right in front of you, you know you've got a winner.
He was telling me how he was trying to grow up. And then 2 minutes later, he told me he was tripping on lsd for the first time.
I never want to even look at fireball again because it reminds me of the night I died and then lived to tell the tale of how I died.
Give me like 5, I have to feed a moose and find my pants.
Randomize