so high driving around just saw a woman in a pink shirt chillin riding a horse
so high at work that a 35 year old with his kids handed me visine and winked at me. you win with the horse though
i love how you can even make your typing come across bitchy
He uses pillows to masturbate.
when i grow up i'm putting garbage disposals in all showers of my house so when you vomit in the shower its easy clean up
We had sex and then he fed me pie. This is the best friends-with-benefits situation ever.
we went from five shot glasses to three in one night. we lost 'badass' and gumbi, but the ninja turtle survived. courtney says to avoid any more casualties we're not allowed to use shot glasses past 1am. and we're not allowed to throw them
I resisted the temptation to hold the cake in one hand to alternate bites with the ruffles I was eating. I decided that might make me look dysfunctional.
My roommates said duck dynasty was stupid ... toto i don't believe we're in kansas anymore.
i love how you just walk into that dealer's house every time without knocking, yet you don't even know his name
Wake up. Eat bread. Find your dignity. Don't be late for work again.
moral of my life: don't tell a guy you want to have sex with him. he'll get back together with his ex.
I convinced her that there were two p's in Chipotle - the 2nd one was silent.
I never realized the effects a broken spine would have on my sex life
You know, normal sex stuff involves shitting your pants. If you do it right.
You ripped the leaves off the top of a pineapple then rubbed the rough skin part all over your face saying "this is how you mate with other species"
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