i told him that if he starts being sappy its friends = off. he called me jerkface and drew on me w permanent marker. im either in love w him or we are twelve.
I wish costco sold astroglide.
i wish my brain was less awake, and didn't try and picture what you were talking about.
just found out I caught the bouquet at the wedding. I win for being the drunkest yet most functional bridesmaid.
i think dick pics are a sign of a sexual renaissance
The last thing I remember is him yelling from across the room "WE FINISHED THE HANDLE!"
It was 11pm.
Well I smoked some weird shit and I think I peed on my phone.
drying my bra with a hair dryer wasn't exactly how I had planned on starting my day.
It's amazing the amount I can accomplish with a glass of wine in my hand.
I'm gonna do it. I'm gonna write gay mortal kombat fanfic. May the gods be praised for whisky
That falls under the "unwelcome penises" category. Also that's definitely a sentence I never thought I would say
My potted cactus died. I am literally less nurturing than the desert.
Hey I’m obsessed with Charlie Heaton from stranger things...not because he got caught at the border with coke...okay that’s a lot of it
Like every two minutes he would pull out and whipser "don't you do it, you bastard" while looking at his penis. His new name in my phone is 'penis whisperer'
I may have dislocated my hip getting fucked on the bathroom counter
I have serious attachment issues. I just realized how long its been since ive smoked out of my bong and I feel guilty for dis owning it this week
Randomize
