I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
You know how I know it's Spring Break? I just passed a car with "South Padre bound" shoe polished on the back. The driver was blatantly drinking a roadie and getting road head.
A horse told me not to drive home last night. I think there was a cop on top of it.
Just gave my manager part of my viccodin stash-my job is basically secured forever.
I would call you but I don't feel like these hands belong to me.
You could breast feed yourself wine!! This shit is genius!
He woke me up at 5am to recite nursery rhymes to our fictitious unborn child.
I found an inside smoking lounge. I'll be here for the next 4 hours. A nice old Canadian lady has befriended me and let me use her lighter. Fuck Hartsfield-Jackson AND this layover. I win.
ARTHUR IS ON FUCKING NETFLIX THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'm so baked, I spent the last hour trying to screencapture the cracks on my phone.
Me too like the fact they didn't arrest me wants to send them an edible arrangement
Ask him to BK for an ice cream cone and do him in the car. That counts as a date
I forgot to tell you that he serenaded me with "Fuck Her Gently" by Tenacious D. And I didn't hate it.
Sorry. We had to leave because I knocked a guy out for saying "yolo".
YOU WAXED MY CAT YOU SICK FUCK
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