two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
tonight, alcohol would be proud of us
He shouted my World of Warcraft name while we were having sex, and he was sober.
airport. 106 proof japanese liquor. 4 little travel size containers. im proud to be smarter than the average american.
Ok roommate is officially weird. Just watched her microwave the same broccoli 3 times in a row and cry b/c she fucked it up. Wtf lol
You took it upon yourself to rid the world of them, and by that I mean you dressed up as Batman and started kicking them in the shins.
So my mind was like YOU ARE TOTALLY GONNA MAKE IT TO CLASS TODAY but then my body was all LOL NO YOU AIN'T.
We both got free alcohol and got laid by foreign men last night.
I'm not going out again for the rest of my life. I can't top this.
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
Have I showed you the picture of my vagina with a little bang flag coming out of it?
You was so high that you insisted that you heard someone whistle, then you insisted they was trapped in the wall!
is telling someone you can be his trophy wife the same as proposing?
Saw your dad at the bar last night... And again this morning when he left. Told you not to mess with me bitch.
I got arrested FOR running from the cops. In college Dad got arrested and THEN ran from the cops. So it could be worse.
Its not something you can force it it just has to happen like a rainbow or pooping
Randomize
