either she said she was feeling frisky or eating friskies..i was too drunk to understand.
Were not really friends so much as I suck his dick a lot
You talked to that cop for like 15 minutes and when you got back, you told us you were "networking".
How do you set tits on fire ? I swear her tits were on fire.
I'm too afraid that I'm 1. Banned or 2. Gonna be noticed by the lady bouncer I punched.
I think the closest to heaven you can get in this world is your morning dump after a night of Molly
Ok. I'll enjoy the quiet (translation: I might be naked, call ahead if you come home tonight)
A lumberjack bearing the gift of small oranges or gymnast sex... I love you man but you lose that battle 9 out of 10
If you put those two in a room together it'd be like a Taylor Swift fantasy and an Adele nightmare just licking faces
It's amazing
I want to run hundreds of miles and do a whole semesters worth of homework while flying on a unicorn and throwing endless glitter bombs
It's Saturday night and I'm getting shitfaced alone while reading Dino porn. Wassssuuuupppp
I was on tinder the whole time I was waiting for my pregnancy test results at the doctors.
I'm at forever 21 and someone pooped in the dressing room.
i just sexted for my mom while she was driving, i have hit an all time low.
I got some blow and a hand job from one of the strippers. So I guess I'm getting over the divorce.
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