Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
Her problem is just that he inner beauty is just as ugly as her physical beauty
naw. unless you want me to sit in a corner, not understand english and eat all of your cheese then i don't think it's a good idea.
You always know it is going to end badly when a guy asks if he met you at a "coed naked lawn bowling party"
Mango bong: no go. Guava bong: sweet flaming buddha it was delicious. I shall teach you the ways of tropical fruit trees.
You know it's been awhile when the imagery of fucking AT A DENNY'S gets me really turned on.
The drug dealer had chickens in his house so I know it was good stuff.
Not sure. He doesn't know where New York is on a map but he gives an incredible spanking.
Who cares about New York?
For the record, rock bottom is where you start crying during porn because your ex used to slap your ass like that.. Continue on with your day now.
You gave your one night stand my number. I told him you left for your sex change an hour ago.
How do you forget making out with a coworker in the dressing room at Sears on more than one occasion?
...object impermanence?
if you're the one who put those dollar bills in my bra last night, thank you because I just used that money to get myself a coffee
Can we just get drunk and watch the Birdcage please I have no tolerance for straight men today
passed out on bart again and decide to bike home. biked thru a goat farm of angry goats, biked on the freeway, got stopped by the cops, and sat shotgun in the squad car while the officer driving got a video on his iphone of his partner riding my bike on the freeway.
Sorry I bailed on you yesterday. I was propositioned.
And you don't turn down margaritas and oral.
Randomize
