Todays lesson: Chew your food better when your drunk. I almost choked throwing up this morning.
Public safety found my id!
And i can't find my bra so i'm assuming they found my bra with my id which would explain the disapproving tone the lady on the phone had.
i dont have any money that hasnt already been designated for cigarettes and birth control
Well I scaled a 3 story building last night to get laid. What have u done for ur penis lately?
it's my sixth sense. If there's an orgy within 20 miles of me i'll know about if. Or be a part of it.
I cant help but love a girl who informs me of the pregnancy test results by emailing me a YouTube clip of Barney Stinsons not a fathers day speech.
we found you in the closet, clutching coats that werent yours for stability
I'm unshowered, and since I've seen this episode of say yes to the dress, I've decided to go to the store and get a frozen pizza at 10:20 am. I'm crushing life.
And then he said "if you were planning on bird feeding me that's not ok"
Fighting the urge to throw up all over my little brothers jr high basketball bench. Welcome home aaron
at first i said "no rollerblading if I'm going to be drunk," but we all know how that went
HE PEED ON ME. THE MANAGER OF THE BAR.
Learning to live poor pretty well. Cashed in all the coins in my car for nearly 60 bucks and yelled at a Pizza Hut manager, insisting I have a free pizza credit, until he just gave me a pizza.
I thought I needed to get laid. Turns out I just needed pasta.
Dude it's 6 am and you just invited me to a hotel with a shit ton of coke. Best morning ever
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