If I had a sex resume I'd get tons of jobs.
The walk of shame is slightly more complicated when you wake up in the wrong country...
you were trying to give my penis an indian burn.
All I remember was yelling at him, "Its becasue of people like you that it took us so long to get to the moon!"
I'm slightly possesive over the gucamole when i'm stoned.
Is that why you left peanut shells in my bed?
my revenge plans when i'm high are never as good as i think they are
We are magical, pot smoking, smart as hell, single as fuck, woodland dolphins.
I made friends with the delivery guy because he had beautiful dread locks and was a Zelda fan. He texted me after he left saying he wasn't trying to be creepy but we should be friends. We're hanging out tomorrow.
How does this kind of shit happen to you?!
People...there is no better feeling in the world than finding out via Google that your ex has a warrant out for his arrest. No better feeling.
Thank you for the legal advice. I hope I can pay you in blow jobs.
Maybe she'll change her mind but the "go fuck yourself" doesn't seem promising
Stay positive! You think people like sad vaginas? NO! You'll get some!
Fucking adderall I just talked at the security guard for 90 minutes
He got me off while watching hockey. He's a keeper.
Just flash them and yell "JUDGE THESE BITCHES"
Some guy at the bar last night bought us Arrowhead water and I was so drunk, it tasted good
Randomize
