remember that time that crown gas station wouldn't sell us a lighter so we had to use matches and birthday candles to smoke with a toilet paper roll? sometimes i miss high school
Just saw the true definition of the muffin top and camel toe all on one person at the DC zoo... Tried to take a pic but she got away..
If you are in NYC and not seeing anyone, you should come fucke me now because:1 i am not in love with you anymore, 2 i am drunk enough where i won't feel the n eed to kisx you awardly to avoid your beard, 3we have unfinished business that i wpn't get -assed unyil orgass have been had, 4 i really really want to
so after he got his stomach pumped, he asked for a smoking room.
I'm having one of those days where I just want to lay in bed and beat off all day
oh no you fucking didn't eat my mac and cheese you cunt
Its like I was sleeping with a kid. His gum fell into my hair while sleeping and he just wanted to cuddle.
He made me a "booty call of the year" award.
Dude I live in a fucking closet and still get laid every weekend. Figure it out.
Oh god I may vomit into the teacup of debauchery.
Another day, another engagement, another cat
They switched jackets and you didn't notice. You made out with both of them and had no idea
This tequila is so bad I might cry. I won't Throw up but I might cry
Just saw the bridesmaid use her new sister in law as a stripper pole
I was trying to come up with a reason why you shouldn't be naked in front of me, and now I have 'If you give a mouse a cookie" stuck in my head
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