I seriously can't date anymore I forgot how to hide my crazy
Contrary to what I yelled at them last night, it turns out campus police CAN arrest people...
He practically bottle-fed me Jameson, like I was a baby chimpanzee on those nature specials.
successfully started a charcoal grill with 2 shots of everclear and some aluminum foil. i never wanna leave here
He just reenacted his orgasm in front of my roommates....using a squeeze bottle of mayonnaise.
do you actually have a paper bowl full of broken glass and ecstasy or was that just a dream?
passed a homeless guy with a sign that read "420 vetran" we gave him a bowl of bud
I'm currently day drinking, studying and making corn. Don't tell me what I can't do.
of course not. I do my best teaching on a hungover monday. I did the research. im still okay with the direction in which my life is headed.
Found plan b box covered with blood. In kitchen sick. Pickle jar is empty. Wtf happened?
It's a goat... but where the fuck did it come from?
I thought I was smashed last night but the girl trying to pee in the fridge had me beat. True story.
pls come over. need ride to hospital once taquitos are ready
Told a guy at the bar I was hurricane evacuees with no place to stay. Just woke up at his place. God bless Florence
You were in the back of the cop car and told the cop to ask me if I got laid. Youre a dedicated wingman.
Randomize
