I am good. I dancing. Drinking but dancing fine.
at the gym hungover with vodka in a water bottle. don't say i'm not fulfilling my resolutions
I'm eating my dinosaur chicken nuggets in the order they would die in the food chain.
My STD test came back clean. I'd like to thank all the guys I've slept with, they made this possible. I want to say thanks to all my friends, for believing in me living up to the full slut potential. And last but not least, I'd like to thank alcohol. I wouldn't be who I am today w/out you. I feel like I need to frame this...
had to bail. she had her cat tattooed on her
I passed out in the stadium during the 4th quarter and you guys just left me there?
Yea, but we put money for a cab in your pocket.
The only thing that made me get out of bed this morning was knowing that tonight, I don't plan on remembering what happened today
Remind me to switch to jello when you decide to do shots off my ass. It's so much easier to clean than this pudding.
IS SOBER OCTOBER A THING?? WTF WHO ARE THESE PEOPLE?
My kids are NEVER playing in the park more than 2 feet away from me until they are capable of punching an eagle.
my dad pointed to my full beer and said drink up we're leaving now.
can you adopt me?
He sent me a dick pic from his living room and it has pictures of his three kids in the background
What's clit gel and why is it in my wallet.
Dude. She was wearing nothing but Wonder Woman panties and a flag for a cape and sneaking around leaving PBR's by passed out people for the morning. She called herself the 'Merica Fairy.
Why haven't you proposed already?
Let's just say I peed the bed last night, and I wasn't in it alone. Whoooops
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