I'm like 99% sure I made out with Kevin Spacey last night. Not good.
Just wandered into a surprise final. Only a surprise for me though. I wish I could say this is the first time this has happened.
The bartender laughed but the manager kicked me out when the mom conplained. There's no way my fart harmed that baby in any way
No fucking idea. Just paid for my chipotle in chocolate coins, though. Either there is a huge language barrier happening here, or my big boobs are finally paying off.
Dude, so the police showed up at my house with my wallet told me they found it in the church fountain then handed me a pamphlet on AA saying it was from the pastor. What happend?
He kissed my hand AND my forehead. I don't think this virginity business is for heartless whores like us.
I thought that wasn't a thing ever since she showed you her vag on the dance floor
we were sitting in the kitchen and you kept biting my shoulder saying "itll all be over soon"
I'm FaceTiming Pizza Hut.
C'mon pople!!! THursday afternoon isnot gonna drinkin itself!!!
drunk brunch me or lose me forever
Never ever make a tattoo bet. I now have a shamrock on my dick.
Knowing that porn stars want to fall in love is the weirdest thing I've found to be beautiful recently. I'm so lonely.
I know it's 10:30am but Finding Dory starts in an hour, and I have four points of molly. You down?
all my friends are getting married and here i am in a committed relationship with rum
Randomize
