At the bar. Guy comes up wearing a hollister shirt and says "lets blow this popsicle stand"
You fucking left with him didn't you?!
When you're on the hood of a car, 10 mph feels pretty fucking fast.
I'm cooking a can of baked beans on the baseboard heater. It is too early in the semester to be this poor.
I don't know which part of you thought this was funny but it's fucked up to wake up in that much fluff and now we don't have a couch. Fuck you.
Woke up today to the sound of church bells. My first thought was shit the apocalypse, but then I remembered my hook up lives next to a church. This might be a rough day.
Her eyebrows were plucked so thin that she had to have gonorrhea. Clean girls just don't pluck that way
My dick can't jump between your dick and her mouth, man. It's impossible, I think.
Dad stumbling and puking in the White Castle parking lot = Father's Day success
Liquor doesn't fix sad, but it sure as hell lowers my standards for a rebound.
He said he was Greek American and that is why my legs slammed shut. During the World Cup there are only Americans.
I was going to learn how to knit but I got high instead.
I have aggressive nipples.
I'm definitely single now but she stole my mailbox
You ever fart so bad at work that you think about taking a sick day just to spare your coworkers from the savage olfactory beating they are about to receive?
She used to be cute, back when we were young.
Oh well, so were platform jellies. Shit changes.
Randomize
