it was like his penis was on wheels.
He wrote my name on his dick, took a picture and then said "this has your name written all over it!"
Just stole a pregnancy test from Wegmans because I didn't want to pay 13 dollars to find out my life is over.
Just learned how to deliver a baby.the things i saw tonight can never be unseen
Dude give me 4 good reasons we shouldn't trade girlfriends tonight
Hes still mad that I left the room mid-hookup to go get a pickle from the fridge.
I smell like gasoline and adventure.
It would only make sense that I'd cheat on him with his best friend on the ides of march...
What if our hands were octopus tentacles?
You're an idiot.
But the real question is how many people didn't see my dick last night?
Either I'm too drunk or she gave me a hand job to the rhythm of jingle bells.
Are you doing that thing where you're convinced I made a terrible decision
Daily.
Puking in the Ritz Carlton bathroom was actually kind of a nice experience
How the fuck do you get a noise complaint filed against you at 9:30am on a fucking Tuesday?
Who was that dick in the suit telling us to stop drinking?
The priest.
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